1 Dear parents: 称呼自己的父母不用parents，而应Dad and Mom

2 I’m writing this letter to express my thanks to you upon making memorable achievement.

不应照抄作文要求，应该具体，例如upon my being admitted by Qinhua Univercity.

3 I’m born in a remote county in Sichuan Province, 这句是废话。你父母当然知道你是在哪里出生的。另外，am born为时态错误，应为was born.

4 but this wasn’t in behalf of bad education for me, 这句话结构错误，误用了on behalf of这个短语。正确的应为，this didn't mean that I couldn't have good education.

5 because I had the parents with advance mind

advance mind为搭配错误。应删去，改为who believed that good education was important and

6 who using large amount of their money made me go to the school with nice educational resources in the city.

make sb do sth有迫使某人做某事的意味。改为who spent a lot of money on my education at a nice school in the city.

7 In this city ,we lived in a flat, which were rarely 49 ㎡ and had three rooms.

应为which was barely 49 ㎡ in size. 删去三个房间。

8 When raining, our flat was always wet;

应为when it was raining.

9 When windy, in my room I was almost not asleep at night with the window never closed.

因为when the wind blew at night, I could hardly go to sleep because the window refused to close.

10 Why were we living in the so poor situation?

改为in such a poor condition.

11 It was too simple to understand——my parents saved money to provide the best educational resources for me. 提供最好的教育前面已经提及，不应重复，改为to pay my tuition fees.

too...to do结构使用错误。改为not too hard to understand. 既然是给父母写信，父母应该为you, 而不该用第三人称my parents.

12 Although we havd a terrible material condition, my parents never reduced my life level or study level.

have应为had. 整句为中式思维，不符合英文表达习惯。可改为，poor as we were, you tried your best to make it possible for me to have a decent live and good education.

13 Today, I have been admitted by the univercity I wish.

改为Qinghua University

14 At fist, I must thank you. At second, I also must think you, because you are the greatest persons in the world.

at first为一开始，起初。应改为first。 没有at second的说法，应为secondly或then.但这里感激的原因只有一个，不该区分第一、第二。

改为At this moment，I must thank you, my dear Dad and Mom, for you are the greatest parents in the world.

Your son

John