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这篇作文这样写有什么需要改进的么？这样能拿多少分左右
我写的：
第一段：He realized it was an emergency.Without any delay, he immediately summoned two teachers and hurried to Mary's house. In the car, he told the two teachers about it. He was very afraid and worried because the people around him had experienced it, so he had to constantly recall the rescue methods for the symptoms of his father's stroke all the way, and the speed became faster and faster, even though his forehead was still full of sweat in winter.
第二段：When Green and the other two teachers reached the family's home less than ten minutes later, seeing what was happening, they sighed in relief.Julia was tutoring Mary's grandson in the room, and Mary sat quietly on the next stool to listen and accompany. When Mary saw us, she explained the cause of the matter to us. It was because when she was helping her grandson operate the computer, her grandson was playing around. Because he thought he was a child, she sent out some strange and unusual words to scold them. Green also told Mary about his father's stroke and his worries about Mary. Mary thanked them very much and gave them pens engraved with "smooth life" to wish them all a good job.
我写的这篇能拿多少分左右，有什么地方需要改进的
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